This is not a joke, by the way.
this ruins the arcade fire for me
BBC kills off a beloved character.
*casually listens to ‘Music in Parallel 5ths’* bless you, Philip Glass
*casually listens to ‘Iron Man’* bless you Tony Iommi
Submitted by alejocava
The Swampkid was a boy that was spontaneously created one day, when there was a very big storm in the marshes just outside of town. By a sheer coincidence, a series of lightnings recombined the matter in the wetland in a way that resulted in the exact duplication of a local child named Donald. As the Swampkid had the exact same brain structure as Donald who was playing in the swamp in that same moment, he even had the exact same memories. The towns people decided to give the Swampkid a temporal home until they decided what to do with him, and he began attending classes (in the same school as Donald). The saddest day of his life was during biology class. The professor was Mrs. Millikan, which was no biologist but actually was the Connecticut philosopher Ruth Millikan, who conned the school into hiring her only because she heard about the Swampkid and wanted to meet him in person. Ruth Millikan had wrote a book where she argued that the only coherent notion of function was that something had a function only if it existed because of that same function, as in the case of structures resulting from evolution. The day Mrs. Millikan taught about the circulatory system, she asked the class what was the purpose of the heart. Children unanimously responded: “To pump blood!” “That’s right” said Mrs. Millikan. “The heart’s function is to pump blood.” Then her face became dead serious. “Except yours, Swampkid. Your heart has no function nor purpose.” Tears began rolling down the Swampkid’s eyes. “In fact, if we define organs as structures that have some proper function, we could very well say that you have no organs at all!” “Oh my!” thought Donald, “I would cry too if someone told me that I had no heart.” The director, who was waiting by the door, stepped in. “Mrs. Millikan, how do you know he has no organs? Don’t you admit the boys could have been mistakenly switched in the confusion of the storm, without they even realising it themselves?” “I suppose so, Director Lehrer” said Mrs. Millikan grudgingly, “but I don’t have any reason to think that it happened.” The director was in actuality philosopher Keith Lehrer, who also conned the school into hiring him, in his case to prove an epistemological point. “Well, if you admit that’s a possibility, you can’t really say that you know this boy had no heart.” “Hum” answered Mrs. Millikan visibly upset, “even if I was looking at him, I addressed my comment to the ‘Swampkid.’ Hence I was referring to the Swampkid whomever he was.” Mrs. Millikan wasn’t saying that in honesty, she just wanted to win the argument. Director Lehrer was about to answer when the door was slammed… “Stop right there!” said Mr. Kripke, the old janitor, as he pointed towards the boy. “We must destroy the golem!”